I haven’t been able to have a full blown cry session since two people in my life tried killing themselves. Before that, it’d been a really long time too.

Well, today everything just caught up to me and I cried on my sunshine’s shoulder/arm not even 30 minutes after being off from work. I continued to cry a bit in my room, until he peeled me out of the apartment to get some food, and now that I’m dropped off I’m back at it. Broken sleep and constantly waking up doesn’t help all of this. Or, not feeling like I truly have a place I belong caters to it also.

He made me feel better, but now I’m left again with myself. Myself and my thoughts, and my anger. I don’t want to be left alone, but then witnessing how I drag others down because I don’t even feel like smiling makes me retreat back into solitude.

Looking at pictures from just 3 years ago, I see the aging and the stress tolls that have warped and remodeled my body and health. It makes me sick.

Got all exceeds expectations on my work review and one meets- still don’t know what the raise amount is and franky I don’t want to. Why? Because even with the good scores, I know it’ll be a joke. An insult. Like most of my life is. I apologize that my positivity is expiring, but really… what can you expect? When most days I just want to vanish into thin air. Life shouldn’t feel like imprisonment- I’ve been waiting for it to wear off for YEARS. It’s time to face the music and stop wasting energy trying to appease and keep others calm on behalf of appearing composed and healthy. I am a grouch who hates waking up to my routined life. I am always in pain and always on edge. I have lost sight of a lot of passions and coping mechanisms. I don’t care about holding it together, either, anymore. The only things that bring me joy are mental alteration and cuddles with the person who is now in my life. Aside of that, my only drive is giving school another chance. I don’t have much to say to anyone anymore because it all seems rehearsed and flat. It’d be nice to say I’m totally happy and comfortable in life and my skin- I haven’t been able to say that for 4 years. Even then, it was temporary.